Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
