Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
