well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
