I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
