there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Randomize
