He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
