I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.