i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.