the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
