i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
