oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
