why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
