She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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