She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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