I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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