Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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