Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
