so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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