as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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