is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
