I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I have aggressive nipples.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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