So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Randomize
