dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
