people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
