I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
