Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
