I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
