and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
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I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
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I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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