If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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