Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
