He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
