from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
