He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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