I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
