stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
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