I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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