i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Life without a bra equals bliss.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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