"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
this just has baby written all over it
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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