Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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