Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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