I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
