he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
