My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
