Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
