lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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