If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
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