my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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