im about as happy as oj after his trial
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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