I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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