I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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