I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
