she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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