I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
