Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Randomize
