Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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