He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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