Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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