The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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