do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
