You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
