True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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