I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
