i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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